im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
