This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize