so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
