Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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