Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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