it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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