The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
