He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
