No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
