Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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