so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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