I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
