he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
