he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize