I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
