the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
