Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
