i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
