I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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