Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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