Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
