just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
