"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
pop tarts are not kleenex
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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