So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
