...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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