I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
