He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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