She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's never too late to be topless.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize