why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
