I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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