Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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