I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
