I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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