Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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