im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Everyone says I win the strip club
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
