the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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