Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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