If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
