I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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