So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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