I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
