You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
