maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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