i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize