Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
