I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
