Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
