Screwed.edu
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
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