xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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