i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
