My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
