when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
