Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
