this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
