I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
