your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
