So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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