I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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