just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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